


America the Unknown (United States of America #3)

by 37054ljH



Series: The United States of America [5]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Child Death, Depression, Gen, Illness, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Infant Death, Mental Anguish, Mental Instability, Mentioned suicide attempts, Natural Disasters, POV Multiple, Selective Amnesia, Sort Of, Starvation, Stillbirth, Survivor Guilt, The Failed Colonies, Tragedy, diary entries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 18:40:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20440685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/37054ljH/pseuds/37054ljH
Summary: 2019 NEW YEAR SPECIAL!You know about America and her children, the United States of America. You know of their stories, their lives, their tribulations, their scars, and their various secrets...or so you'd like to think.Sometimes there are scars that can run so deep that even the victim can never know, sometimes events can cause people to rewrite their memories to save themselves from the pain of those painful recollections, and sometimes...it's best to never remember them.The family had lost a lot more than you think, a lot more than they would like to admit, and a lot more than their mother could handle.So, have you heard of the Failed Colonies? No? Then let's dive into the dark secrets that America has tried so hard to keep buried.*Please be warned that this short story will contain sensitive subjects such as infant mortality, depression, and suicidal thoughts/ideations, which will be described in full detail and are not meant to be jokes, so please do not proceed if these themes are going to be a problem. This is also going to be dedicated to those who lost children and/or other loved ones.*





	1. Entry #1

_To whom it may concern,_

_If you find this journal, that will mean that I am already dead. That will also mean that I will have passed a great burden onto you, one that you will forced to carry with you for as long as you work here. Now, I know that you are confused, and you may not like what I am going to ask of you, but I beg of you, please listen to what I have to say._

_First, let me start from the beginning; my name is Jane Faustus, and I was the first maid who ever served Miss Emily F. Jones, or as you have come to know as a new country that is forming before our very eyes, the colonies of America. I was fifty six-years-old at the time, and now I am on my deathbed, writing you this letter. Of course, I am sure you are chuckling at this, for you already know about Miss Emily being this type of human, but allow me to continue._

_Miss Emily is a strange woman, of that I will admit. Believe me when I say that I too was fascinated by how strange she was, and how out of time she is. She's a young lady who is refined, elegant, and polite, something that we all see in wealthy women, but Miss Emily is more than that. She is as intelligent as any man I know, is stronger than any man I have met, and could make even the most experienced of men fall to their knees._

_I will not be surprised if she turns out to be some kind of powerful spirit._

_But that is not what I want you to know about. Rather, there's something you must be cautious of, and I ask that you write down what you experience so the next person who serves Miss Emily will be made aware of this, as it will not be easy, and Miss Emily will refuse to talk about it, no matter how much you insist._

_The truth is...The truth is that Miss Emily is a troubled young lady._

_I may have been old, but I could see that she had seen much more conflict than I could ever hope to see, than any man could ever hope to see. Perhaps you noticed it as well when you first arrived, and perhaps you are weary of Miss Emily, I will not hold it against you if you feel the last._

_I was not told the full story, so I'm afraid I will not be able to answer any questions you may have. However, what I do know is that Miss Emily had lost many things; her mother, her brothers, and her life when we arrived. She was a very young child when Mr. Kirkland found her and took her in, but I'm afraid the man does not know the truth about Miss Emily, for he instead calls her Alfred._

_I ask that you please keep this a secret with your life. Miss Emily disguises herself as a man to protect herself, and I'm sure you know what will happen if she were discovered to be female, especially a female potential country._

_However, I am ashamed to admit that is not the only reason why Miss Emily is so troubled for a supposed lady of her age. I have seen this happen with my own eyes, and it was a horrible sight, one that I fear will continue._

_I have learned that nations can become pregnant without ever coming in contact with the opposite gender, and this was something Miss Emily and I found out by accident. Still, I had never seen Miss Emily so happy when she realized she was pregnant, and she did not care on who created her child, for now she would have something to look after, to care for, to love._

_I'm sure that you understand where I am going with this. If you wish to cease reading this entry, go on ahead, I will not hold it against you if you do so, but if you wish to listen, continue on, and I will tell you what happened to Miss Emily's children._

**\--Diary of Jane Faustus, 1558**


	2. Entry #2

_It was between 1526 and 1527 when her eldest sons, the identical twins San Miguel de Gualdape and St. Petersburg, were born._

_Allow me to start from the beginning. Many months before those years, Miss Emily had been feeling rather strange lately, and I immediately caught on to it. She looked very pale and simple tasks such as moving around were tiring to her. I immediately became concerned when I saw her condition, and begged her to return to bed and I would call for a doctor. She complied too easily, and she had immediately gone to sleep the second she hit the bed._

_But I did not mind this. Rather, I was relieved that she at least was resting. So, in that time, I called for a doctor, asking him to arrive as quickly as possible._

_Thank God he was quick._

_Miss Emily was still sleeping when the doctor arrived, and did not stir when he approached her bedside. Fortunately, the doctor allowed her to continue her rest as he checked her, finding no fever, no malfunction, in fact nothing seemed out of place, except for one thing._

_When the doctor checked her stomach, I remembered feeling physically sick when he paused, his face expressing astonishment and confusion. When he looked to me, I found it a miracle that I could still move._

_"As she been with any man recently?" asked he._

_I remembered being so shocked by that question that it took me many moments to answer despite the disbelief I felt. "N-No, she has not," said I._

_The doctor's eyebrows scrunched in his own disbelief. "Are you positive?" asked he again._

_"Yes, I am sure," I said, feeling myself growing irritated, I am once more ashamed to admit. "I have been with Miss Emily for weeks, and she has never invited a man to come inside and privately visit her. Why, she is too young!"_

_I knew that Miss Emily was much older than I was, but that did not stop me from wanting to defend her. Of course, I knew that girls that reached the age of thirteen were often married off to men older than they were, and they even would give birth to their second or third child by the time they were fifteen, but Miss Emily was physically too young. She had the appearance of an eleven-year-old girl, soon to be twelve, and I refused to believe she would invite any man to privately visit with her, much less conceive a child with her._

_The doctor stared at me, neither moving or blinking, and I was actually thinking that he had turned into a human statue, until he looked between Miss Emily and back to me and slowly said,_

_"That's impossible Madam, because this girl has a child growing within her."_

_Even when I heard those words, I could not believe it. It was impossible, I thought. There was no possible explanation that Miss Emily could be pregnant. She was too young! Angrily, I ordered the doctor to leave, and he did, but without my noticing, he left behind a note for Miss Emily to find when she awoke from her slumber about this._

_I know, I was acting foolish back then, but please remember that I was unfamiliar with nation pregnancies and how they worked at this time. I only knew about our basic biology, and even that was limited thanks to me being a woman, so the only thing I knew was that a man and a woman were needed to create a child. It was why we women were valued only for our ability to bare children after all._

_Now, when Miss Emily woke up from her slumber, I was busy cleaning when she found the doctor's note, but her scream almost caused my poor heart to stop. I immediately abandoned what I was doing and rushed to her side, finding her clutching onto the note with wide, tear-stained eyes. A hand was over her mouth, and she was shaking so much she looked like a leaf in the wind._

_I did not hesitate to comfort her, and I care not if you think that was inappropriate of me. Miss Emily needed the comfort, especially after what she realized, something that she too could hardly believe. After she calmed down some, she looked up to me, her beautiful sky blue eyes shining with tears._

_"Is this true Jane?" asked she. "I am with child?"_

_I did not know how to answer her. I still did not believe that she could be pregnant, in fact I am not sure I wanted to believe it. But I answered as best I could._

_"I do not know Miss Emily. We should wait and see if you are."_

_Miss Emily could only nod at me._

_However, as the months passed by, my worst fears became a reality._

_Now, Miss Emily did not gain weight like other pregnant women would, but it was clear that there was a life growing within her, one that was quite active from the looks of it. Miss Emily sometimes would suddenly get exhausted and collapse, which scared the other servants and I out of our wits, and she had even been craving lots more food than she would usually eat. I was baffled by this, but there was nothing I could do, so I never said anything._

_During this time, I realized who the father of this unborn child was._

_It was the personification of Spain, Antonio Fernandes-Carriedo, the one who first colonized American soil._

_I also learned that, somehow, he had impregnated Miss Emily by building two colonies on her soils, meaning that more countries were going to be born. This frightened me, for I wondered what would happen to Miss Emily after the children were born. Would she fade, like the ancients had before her? Or would she just disappear like her mother had?_

_I truly did not know which was worse._

_Spain also did not know that he had fathered a child with Miss Emily, but I suppose that was a good thing, as the man was one to pick favorites, and I sincerely doubt he would've been a good father for his child when he or she was born. Still, that did not stop me from wishing that he would be here to help Miss Emily throughout her pregnancy, for that would tell her that she would have help raising the child, even if it was subtle._

_Still Miss Emily refused to allow Spain to know, which I can understand and did not question._

_Then, the birth of the child arrived._

_It had been a stressful month for us all, Miss Emily the most, for she was worried about the birthing process and how much harder it would be for her to keep her secret. I tried to reassure her as best I could, but nothing worked. Nothing I ever did worked, and I could not help but feel insignificant._

_Still, we went to bed that night with heavy minds, wondering if we would be woken up by Miss Emily's screams of pain as she went into labor, even wondering if the child would be a boy or a girl._

_However, that was not what happened._

_I woke up that night to a bright blue light. It was dim at first, but grew in intensity, and I found myself feeling fear when I saw this. This was a light I had never seen before in all my years, and I truly did not know what I was looking at._

_Then I realized that the light was coming from Miss Emily, right around her stomach area._

_Before I could call for the servants however, the light exploded, blinding me momentarily, and faintly, I saw two silhouettes. Now, they were not the silhouettes of anyone I knew, but I could tell that they were male. They looked big and strong, and were very tall, one had messy hair and the other wavy hair. I wanted to call out to them, to demand who they were, but before I could even open my mouth to speak, the light vanished, and so did the silhouettes._

_My eyes immediately went to Miss Emily, and there, laying in her arms wrapped in dark brown bundles, were two infant boys, sleeping peacefully against their mother._

_I was so astonished by what I saw that I did not decipher the fact that other servants have entered the room, waking Miss Emily._

_She looked confused, her weariness causing her to be unaware of her surroundings, even when she looked down at her newborn sons. Then, her eyes went wide and she was quick to sit up, gasping in the process._

_This woke the infants, who simultaneously began crying._

_Miss Emily was quick to compose herself and rock them, cooing at them until they finally calmed. She smiled at them, the smile that my own mother would give me when I was young._

_It was a beautiful sight. The boys were called San Miguel de Gualdape and St. Petersburg respectively after the Spanish colonies nearby._

_Unfortunately, the happiness that Miss Emily had towards the birth of her sons was short-lived._

_We had to take the children away from their mother in order to check on them, make sure there weren't any problems, but as soon as we took the infants from Miss Emily, I noticed something wrong._

_Both boys looked physically ill, so weak, so in a fit of alarm, I told the servants to call for a doctor as I took the infants into my care, doing everything I could to make them better, to ensure that they would live._

_But I felt their life fade despite my best efforts, and by the time the doctor arrived, the twins had ceased breathing, and nothing we did could revive them._

_All I could think of at that point was, how were we going to tell Miss Emily?_

_The doctor ended up breaking the news to Miss Emily, and the look on her face when the doctor finished speaking is something I will not be able to forget. All emotion was gone from her face for many seconds, but then, she started to laugh._

_It was not a maniacal laugh, or even a laugh that one would use when responding to a joke. Oh no, this laugh was a disbelieving, heartbroken laugh._

_"No, that can't be..." she said, but it seemed that she forgot that we were in the room, for she was now talking to herself at this point. "I...I just held them, t-they were just born, t-t-t-they were fine!"_

_The doctor looked pained as he looked upon her._

_"Miss," he said. "We did everything we could, the twins did not make it."_

_"No," Miss Emily said. "You're lying! You're all lying! My sons are fine! You are lying!" She then jumped out of bed, zooming past us._

_"Miss Emily, please!" I tried crying out, but Miss Emily either did not hear me or refused to acknowledge me, it did not matter. She brushed past every servant that tried to hold her back, who didn't want her to see the bodies of her newborn sons. However, by the time we did catch up with her, it was too late._

_All I saw was Miss Emily's form in front of the table that held her sons' bodies, staring down at them without a word. I did not see her face, but I knew she was in pain. She stood there for many moments before, slowly, she reached up her arms and traced the still faces of her sons._

_"Etu?" she called to the messy-haired baby, then to the wavy-haired baby, "Sol?"_

_There had been no response._

_The silence returned, then we saw Miss Emily's shoulders start to shake, quiet sobs escaping her, until finally she slowly collapsed to her knees and began to scream, a soul-retching, heartbroken cry of agony that could've destroyed the souls of every person within hearing distance. I could not stop myself from sobbing, and neither could anyone else in that room, even the men._

_This is not what I wanted to happen to Miss Emily, a young lady._

_Her sons should be living, not dead._

_They should be crying and yearning for their mother's attention, not...not these empty husks._

_They should be allowed to grow up, become young men their mother could be proud of! But the colonies didn't make it, we later learned._

_That's why Etu and Sol perished. Now they have lost their lives before they even began, and it was an experience so horrible that Miss Emily actually seemed to forget ever having them. But the servants and I have kept records, one of them you're viewing right now._

_I've learned long ago that Miss Emily didn't wish to remember the children she lost, and she will immediately become sorrowful and self-hateful._

_I am afraid to admit as well that she had attempted to hurt herself too._

_I cannot write anymore, so I will leave you for now until I can write again, but I am sorry to admit that those twin boys were not going to be the only tragedy that Miss Emily would face in her long life._

**\--Diary of Jane Faustus, 1560**


	3. Entry #3

_It was thirty-two years later when it happened again. I was growing older, while Miss Emily barely aged during that time. Of course, I did watch her grow up, with her telling me she was now fourteen years of age by physical years._

_As I was growing old, I couldn't do any of the normal duties that I performed when I was younger, and so I was confined to bed, only able to write to you through the help of a fellow servant of mine, a young woman at the age of 20. She was a lovely lady, pretty, hard-working, and a loving mother and wife. She reminds me of how I was when my late husband was still alive, bless his soul._

_Now, I do not have much time in this world left, so I will tell you the story of the second tragedy that befell Miss Emily._

_The Spanish returned to colonize around this time, farther away from our residence unlike last time, the southwestern part of the land near the ocean if I remember correctly, but it was through this colonization attempt that Miss Emily had become pregnant once more. When we learned of it, never had our fear for Miss Emily been so great. She had already suffered the loss of not one, but two of her children, and we feared that this next child will not make it as well._

_Miss Emily had long forgotten about her dead sons, and not one of us wished to make her remember that horrible time, especially the aftermath._

_I will not burden you with the details, but what you do need to know is that Miss Emily had attempted to kill herself three times. Once by starving herself (though we reverted this by force feeding her), the second by hanging (but thankfully another servant walked in at the right time and stopped it), and the third by putting a gun in her mouth (I happened to walk in on the right time before Miss Emily could pull the trigger)._

_It had been a stressful time for us all, but none more so than Miss Emily._

_When she learned she was pregnant once more, I could see the fear in her eyes, a fear that I easily recognized as worry for her child meeting the same fate as her sons, and now, as I am writing this, it pains me._

_I have never felt so helpless in my life, in fact the other servants have never felt so helpless in all their lives, and it had nearly drove some of them insane. I am not ashamed to admit that I was one of them, and I truly hope you will never understand._

_Thank God that we had each other to talk to, otherwise I am sure that we all would have lost our very souls._

_However, we were all happy to see Miss Emily happy again, so we could never bring ourselves to tell her our concerns for this new child. We didn't want to destroy that newfound happiness after she finally found it after such a long time, but now that I am here, writing to you about this, I wish I had, for at least then Miss Emily's pain would have been less, or so I would wish to believe._

_I have never had children, and that's not something I can understand, no matter how much I may wish to._

_However, the day Miss Emily gave birth, I thought all our fears had been for naught, for Miss Emily's newborn daughter was healthy through and through, in fact she fed well, was energetic, and shined brightly like an angel._

_Miss Emily had named the child Neoma, a name that means moon, and I actually smiled as I wrote this, for I remembered that the Pensacola colony was nicknamed the "Moon colony" by the Spaniards._

_Miss Neoma herself seemed to shine like the moon, with her bright blue eyes, her pale skin, and bright hair. Sometimes, her hair seemed to create a halo around her head whenever a full moon shone through the window, and I truly mistook her for an angel._

_Sadly, I never realized how cruel nature herself would be to her own children until one day._

_We all became concerned when Miss Neoma started to get sick, and when we checked on her, we were all horrified to see that she was bleeding from various wounds, all of which appeared mysteriously. Her screams pierced our souls, none more so than her mother, who had immediately taken the child into her arms and began to chant some kind of spell in sheer desperation, a green glow enveloping her and Miss Neoma._

_I've learned long ago that Miss Emily had been blessed with powers that no normal human could hope to possess, and we were all ordered to keep it secret else we wish to be killed._

_I never doubted Miss Emily's darker side when it appeared._

_However, despite Miss Emily's best efforts, the wounds on Miss Neoma refused to close, and she began to cry herself, looking at us with pained, terrified eyes._

_"What's happening?!" she had demanded. "Why is this not working?! Her wounds should be healing!"_

_No one said a word, and I wish we had, for Miss Emily's screams grew in intensity, matching her baby's pained screams in every way. We stood there, unable to do anything to ease any suffering the mother and daughter were feeling, forced to watch as Miss Neoma continued to bleed, listened as her screams grew weaker until she couldn't cry anymore._

_I later learned that a hurricane had devastated the colony, and despite the relief efforts the Spanish sent, that didn't stop the food shortages. For the next several weeks, Miss Neoma grew weaker and weaker, and nothing we gave her helped. Miss Emily tried feeding her daughter with her milk, but Miss Neoma was too weak to even suck, too weak to even call out to her mother._

_All Miss Emily could do was hold her, refusing to let her go for anything, until finally, we learned the colony had been abandoned because of the food shortages, and Miss Neoma followed her older brothers in death._

_Oh God, why must you be so cruel? Why did you allow this to happen? Miss Emily did not deserve this._

_As I questioned my faith, Miss Emily spent the next several months in her room, refusing to come out, and crying herself to sleep every night. Whenever I saw her, her cheeks would be covered in dry tear marks, her face looked hallow, her skin was paler than I would consider healthy, her hair was a mess, and the dresses she wore were always haphazardly put on. I truly mistook her for a madwoman when I first saw her._

_But I knew the reason behind that madness. We all did._

_I truly could not believe this happened again. Miss Neoma was a healthy baby when she was born, she brought happiness into her mother's life, the very happiness that had been snuffed out by the deaths of her sons. Now, she was gone, dead before her life ever truly began, just like her older brothers._

_I found myself hating God for letting this happen, for if He truly cared about His children, He would have done everything in His power to stop this, to end Miss Emily's suffering, would not have allowed those poor children to suffer._

_What kind of "loving" God does that?_

_Forgive me if I have offended you, for I know God is the supreme being, someone who created us, who gave us second chances, but how do you explain the deaths of three innocent children and the destructive grief their mother is going through?_

_I may not have been a mother, but I see Miss Emily as a daughter, and I do not want her to go through any more pain than she has._

_So I beg you, please try to stop this, try to help Miss Emily, even if it is only a little. Try being there for her, any way you can. I will not be in this world any longer, and I know that Miss Emily has a life of suffering ahead of her. I ask that you at least try to give her the solace God refused to give her. That is all I ask of you._

_Forgive me for failing you Miss Emily. Perhaps in another life I can be a better person for you._

_Know that I love you. And you, my dear reader, thank you for listening to this pitiful old woman. Please help Miss Emily in any way you can._

_Thank you,_

_Jane Faustus._

**\--Diary of Jane Faustus, 1560.**

Jane Faustus passed away in the autumn of October 13, 1560 at the age of 80.


	4. Entry #4

_I pray that you will forgive me Ms. Faustus._

_I may not have known you long, but I could see that you truly cared about Miss Emily while you were alive. We never spoke much, but I admired you for your strength and loyalty, especially to Miss Emily. In fact, I am not sure if you even knew my name._

_All I know is that you selected me to replace you as Miss Emily's head-maid, a title that many of us maids had been hoping to achieve for many years. We all adored Miss Emily, but you were always there for her, therefore you knew her better than any of us had. I hope you can forgive me when I say that I was jealous of you, since Miss Emily ordered all of us to have a good education, whether we are man or woman, and you got to help her with everything._

_But now that I'm Miss Emily's head-maid, I am at a loss at what to do._

_You may not have remembered, but I was the one who helped you write down the last entry in this diary of yours, listened as you told the story of the loss of Miss Emily's three children, the youngest who died in such a horrible way. I was also there to witness Miss Emily's pain as her children died, as she could do nothing to save her dear children, and even as I felt the same pain you felt as you watched this happen._

_I understand better now Ms. Faustus, what has been going through your mind as you watched this happen to dear Miss Emily, a young girl who shouldn't have to be burdened with this. I have always dreamed of being a mother, but now I am scared that God will take away my children before they even have a chance to live._

_I am also questioning God now. If he truly is as loving as the Bible says he is, as the church says he is, then why does he allow something like this to happen to people who do not deserve such pain?_

_But now that you are gone Ms. Faustus, I shall carry the burden of this knowledge for you, as the other servants do not wish to in fear of their own beliefs and minds. I know you would be disappointed, but I cannot find it in myself to spite them._

_I know they are questioning the reasons behind these tragedies themselves._

_But now, I am afraid Ms. Faustus that more tragedy has befallen Miss Emily. And to you, whoever finds this diary when you become either Miss Emily's head-maid or butler, this may hurt you, but I wish for you to listen._

_I will start from the beginning. My name is Anna White, and I had been serving Miss Emily for about six years before Ms. Faustus died. Shortly after her death, and as I have mentioned before, I became Miss Emily's next head-maid, a title which I had kept for four years when this happened._

_Ms. Faustus did not know of this, but after she passed away, Miss Emily had become pregnant once again, only this time, instead of the Spanish attempting to colonize once more, the French had come to colonize. Of course, Miss Emily was still in grief over the loss of Miss Neoma and Mr. Etu and Sol, and the fact that she was pregnant once more terrified her._

_I remember that we all shared her fear. She had already lost three of her children, the eldest shortly after they were born and the youngest after we all assumed she could grow up. Being pregnant once more would mean that something was about to go wrong, and it was known that these lands were not the best areas to create colonies, especially after what had happened to the last three._

_Even still, we all tried to make the best of it._

_During all those months however, I never understood the true job that the head-maid had in the household, and Ms. Faustus had made it look so easy, so simple, but I was not her, and I never truly understood what being the head-maid meant until I became it._

_Miss Emily was so scared of her new pregnancy that she was taking less care of herself. There were some days when she would refuse to leave her bed, would refuse to eat or drink, and sometimes would refuse to let anyone touch her, even me. This forced me to be forceful with her numerous times, and while she did put up a good struggle, she ultimately gave me what I wanted._

_It seemed Ms. Faustus had been right about one thing; Miss Emily was a fighter when she wanted to be._

_However, during this time, I was angry. Not at myself, nor was I angry at what I was doing. No, no, I was angry with Miss Emily._

_She had a child growing inside of her, and she was behaving like this? I understand that she was sorrowed, for she had lost three children, all before she could even get to know them, but did that give her any right to deny this child any love? The child has never asked for this, and Miss Emily was ignoring it!_

_You may think I am horrible for thinking that, and perhaps I was, but at that time, I did not care and to an extent, I still do not care._

_So, one day, after I came to wake her up and dress her, she was once more acting badly. She was limp in my hold, would not speak to me, would not look at me, and even refused the food I brought her. My patience had worn thin at this point, and so, without even thinking, I raised my hand and slapped her._

_Miss Emily's head had flung to her shoulder without any effort, and by the time I realized what I had done, it had been done. As I looked at her, I saw that Miss Emily's eyes were wide, her mouth partly open, and the area where I had hit her had turned as red as a strawberry. Now, I was still feeling irritated with her, so I spoke, the words flying out of my mouth._

_"You are a disgrace, Miss Emily," I said, without remorse._

_Miss Emily looked at me by now, her eyes still wide and her cheek still red. I also thought I saw her eyes shining with tears, but at that time, I was in no mood for sympathy._

_"You have a child growing within you, and you refuse to love it because of fear?" I asked, glaring at her hatefully. "You are a disgraceful mother Miss Emily, and this child does not deserve to have you as a mother if you continue this appalling behavior of yours. I understand, three of your children are dead, but no matter what you do, they are not coming back to life."_

_Miss Emily had been shocked out of her stupor at this point, and she was glaring right back at me. "How dare you..." she growled hatefully. "You have no idea what this is like!"_

_I was not fazed by this, so I said, "You are correct, I do not understand what pain you have gone through, but I was there when I watched them die Miss Emily, and I remember how painful it was to watch innocent children die. However, I am glad either way"--I was standing up at this point, walking out the door with her untouched porridge--"for if I was, perhaps I would have become a heartless girl like you, someone who refuses to love her new child because of her fear."_

_Miss Emily was stunned back into silence, but I still felt no sympathy as I walked out the door._

_"You are more than welcome to fire me Miss Emily, but I will not take back my words. I sincerely hope your despair is worth the life of this child."_

_I left her alone after that, not caring that she may go the morning without breakfast, despite the child within her._

_Again, this was a cruel thing for me to do, and I knew that Ms. Faustus will be ashamed of me if she saw me like this, but I still could not bring myself to care._

_Call me a devil, call me a witch, or call me an abomination, I do not care. Miss Emily was taking things too far, and if she did not bring herself together, she will lose another child, and she will have no one to blame but herself._

_I did not want that to happen to her again, or to this child. The child deserves to at least have a chance at life, even if something terrible were to happen._

_I suppose I should've seen this coming._

_I never spoke to Miss Emily after I scolded her, and she made no attempts to make conversation with me those remaining months. However, I much preferred that, as the two of us were in no preparation to speak to one another, especially after I said those hurtful words to Miss Emily._

_Some part of me felt guilty, but I meant what I said. I would not allow another child to fall victim to a fate we could have avoided._

_However, the last few months passed by without any problems, and one morning in 1564, Miss Emily successfully gave birth once more._

_I was always amazed at how Miss Emily's children were born. The bright blue light, the angelic figures we could never figure out the appearances of, the appearances of the infant children with Miss Emily, and the peace that would follow. It was always a relief that we would not have to worry about having to help Miss Emily give birth or worry about her well-being or the well-being of the child._

_That morning had been tiring either way as we waited for the child to be born, for the bright light to shine through the door. We all knew Miss Emily was still sleeping, for we did not hear her moving, and it was early in the morning, early than I myself would be up._

_I was very tired, but I refused to return to the world of slumber until the child was born. We needed to be sure that the child would be alright, that they would at least live longer than their siblings had._

_We did not want to have another child die on our hands. Not that day._

_Sadly, as you may be thinking, our determination had been in vain._

_When we saw the bright light come and go in Miss Emily's room, we quietly went inside, only to see Miss Emily staring into an uncertain distance, tear-stains on her cheeks as she tightly held a baby girl in her arms, a limp, broken child._

_I almost believed my heart ceased to beat when I saw this, and I collapsed to my knees as the other servants rushed to retrieve the child._

_I could not believe what I was seeing._

_It happened again._

_The child is dead._

_We were too late._

_As the servants took the infant away, desperately trying to revive her, I continued to stare at Miss Emily, watching as she continued to be unaware of the world in her newfound grief, not seeing the servants trying to save her daughter, or that I was watching her. More tears streamed down her cheeks, looking similar to crystals in the morning light, but I found no beauty in it._

_Shakily, I stood up and approached Miss Emily's side, kneeling beside her and taking her hand. At that moment, I felt a strong sense of guilt hit me like a runaway horse._

_This was all my fault._

_If I had not said those hurtful words to Miss Emily, the child would have been alive, crying, and yearning for her mother's attention._

_Miss Emily squeezed my hands, but no awareness returned to her. Tears continued to stain her cheeks, and her mouth began to move on its own accord._

_"Caroline."_

_"What?" I whispered, but it seemed she did not hear me, for she continued._

_"I failed you, my Caroline. I could not save you from those damned Spanish, did not allow myself to protect you. Now..." She sobbed. "Now you're gone...you have joined your brothers and sister. But now I know I am to blame for this."_

_As Miss Emily continued to mourn the loss of her new daughter, the daughter who had died after birth when the Spanish brutally massacred whoever was at Fort Caroline, I was not sure who I hated more._

_God, or myself._

_I cannot write anymore, but I promise I will inform you of what occurred afterwards, but it will not be a happy one._

**\--Diary of Jane Faustus, written by Anna White, 1576**


	5. Entry #5

_Miss Emily had given birth again, shortly after Miss Caroline's passing._

_No one was able to believe it, or even how blind we had been to it. We did not see that the Spanish had attempted another colony, this time in the form of a fort called Fort San Juan. It was built in the native village of Joara, just further up the coast, and exactly three human years after Miss Caroline's death._

_But this child, no...children, had been sharing the same womb as Miss Caroline, waiting to be born into the world, and then join their sister in death._

_I will talk about Fort San Juan's personification for this entry._

_We had just put Miss Caroline to rest, watching as her tiny form faded from existence, leaving them with no grave or memorial. How could we bury something that had no remains? How could we create a memorial for something that pained Miss Emily so much?_

_We tried either way, just as we had with Mr Etu, Mr Sol, and Miss Neoma. Many of us drew pictures of them, created poems for them, and even made up stories of what they would have looked like if they lived past their childhood._

_Despite the pain this brought, we did not wish to forget those young children, and I truly believe that Miss Emily did not wish to forget either._

_However, that did not stop these new tragedies._

_We had finished paying our respects to Miss Caroline when we heard new sobs come from upstairs. We got there as quickly as we could, finding Miss Emily on the floor, and a new bundle laying lifeless on the bed._

_I couldn't comprehend what I was seeing. Truly, I at first thought the tears that Miss Emily was shedding then were tears of joy, for maybe Miss Caroline had come back, easing her mother of her grief. However, when I stepped towards the bundle, any hope I myself had disappeared like the flick of a disappearing fire on a candle._

_This was a new child, a baby girl, and she too was not breathing._

_If it weren't for how lifeless she looked, I could have sworn she would have been a beautiful child. Her dark blonde hair was wavy, appearing to be made of pure silk, and her pale skin could have had cheeks that shone like freshly cut roses. I could not see her eyes, for they were simply closed as if in slumber, but I imagined that she would had beautiful eyes, just like her mother._

_But that was not to be._

_No one dared to speak then, out of disbelief of what we were seeing and in grief of our useless selves. Miss Emily continued to sob uncontrollably on the floor, looking so broken I would not have been surprised if she had been made of glass all this time, for she truly appeared on the verge of shattering to pieces with no hope of being fixed._

_But glass can never be fixed once it has been broken. It was something we always had to be careful of if we wanted to keep the appeal of the mansion the way it should, and so we could protect Miss Emily's secret from her so-called caretaker._

_I may not be familiar with Mr. Kirkland, but I know for sure that he is far from a good caretaker if he ever was one._

_I also sincerely doubted that he cared for Miss Emily. In fact I would not be surprised if he did not, and saw her as a trophy, a way to obtain more money._

_I hated him, and it was something I myself will carry for the rest of my life._

_However, seeing Miss Emily in this state, all while I was in some kind of war with myself, the butler moved to take the child away so a memorial could be made for her, but then Miss Emily spoke._

_"No," she said weakly, her puffy and red eyes looking up at us. Until then, I had never seen my mistress look so broken, and I could feel the guilt within me become stronger._

_I almost hoped that she would fire me right then._

_"Mistress, we must--"_

_"No," Miss Emily interrupted, staring at the limp form of her child. "Let me hold her, just this once."_

_"Mistress..."_

_"Please." Miss Emily was on the verge of crying once more. "Just this once."_

_Despite hesitating a moment, the butler complied, placing the limp child in Miss Emily's hold. She stared at her daughter, appearing to be looking for any sign of life within her, but found none. More tears streamed down her cheeks, but she did not sob._

_"Elara," she then said._

_"What?" We all stared at Miss Emily in confusion._

_"Her name. Her name is Elara."_

_Elara. Such a beautiful name. I had begun to cry then, unable to control myself any longer, and a few others followed my example, especially a few men._

_Truthfully, I never thought that men always needed to be strong. Of course, I knew it was expected of them, to never cry, but in the end, many seem to forget that men are human as well, just as fragile as women._

_And there we were, vulnerable for all to see, and not caring._

_Finally, after holding her, Miss Emily allowed us to take Miss Elara to be given a memorial, and just as we stepped outside in the warm sun, her body vanished, leaving nothing behind, just like with Miss Caroline._

_Why God?_

_Why do you continue to allow this to happen?_

_Are you truly that cruel?_

_I truly felt myself growing more and more hateful towards God. He was supposed to be a savior, a loving figure, but instead he has taken everything from Miss Emily before they could even begin. Why kind of "loving" god does something like that?_

_I do not care if you scold me for thinking such things, I am merely speaking the truth. My faith in God was gone at this point, and replaced with seething hatred._

_But I could never hate God more than I did myself._

_And sadly, I know this tragedy is far from over._

**\--Diary of Jane Faustus, written by Anna White, 1576.**


	6. Entry #6

_The Spanish attempted colonization again in 1570._

_I could not understand why they continued this path of destruction. They had already failed in their previous attempts, and that resulted in Miss Emily losing her children, but it seems that they were not deterred._

_Were they truly that desperate to expand their power, regardless of whatever lives they destroyed?_

_I know you may think this hypocritical of me, but I cannot help but hate the Spanish._

_Of course, I do not hate their citizens, after all I doubt that many of them even understand or even care of what is happening over here, but I cannot say the same for the government or their personification._

_I pray that I never meet him, otherwise I doubt I will be able to control my anger when we do._

_Especially after what he's done once again._

_As I have mentioned in the last entry, a total of three children had been growing within Miss Emily, one a daughter of France, and the last two the children of Spain._

_He had been born shortly after Miss Elara faded away, where we found him lying on the bed sleeping, looking so peaceful, like his sisters had not perished._

_I had wondered if it was a trick. It had to be. There was no explanation for why this was happening._

_On the other hand, Miss Emily was just staring at the child, her eyes void of any emotion, and her cheeks were surely dry as a result of her now dried-up tears. The child continued to rest like nothing was amiss, and that frightened us at first._

_Then he opened his eyes, revealing warm and innocent green orbs, and smiled brightly, reaching out for Miss Emily._

_Miss Emily's eyes widened, her once emotionless eyes now filling with shock, but she did not move towards the child at first. This did not deter him, and he continued to reach for her, giggling and cooing all the while._

_Miss Emily had stayed where she was, clearly hesitant to go anywhere near him._

_Finally, the boy began to sob, tears streaming down his cheeks, and then he began to cry out, lonely, sorrowful, and yearning. This finally forced Miss Emily to move._

_She was in front of her son in an instant, scooping him up and rocking him up and down gently, quietly cooing back to him in order to cease his sobs. The child continued to cry for a good several minutes until he finally calmed, looking up to his mother with his big, shining dark green eyes._

_Once all was calm, I took that moment to take in the child's appearance. Like all newborn infants, his cheeks were full, no teeth were present, and his arms and hands were tiny compared to Miss Emily's, the hands barely managing to grasp her finger. However, I was able to tell that he was a handsome baby, with his eyes full, his green eyes shining in the sunlight, his skin a flawless tan, and his hair smooth and silky, just like his mother's._

_At that moment, we all felt hope return, despite the tragedies that have befallen._

_Miss Emily smiled down at her son, a loving, joyous smile, but I was still able to see the sadness that lingered. "Hola mi hijo," she said lovingly. "Yo soy tú madre."_

_She continued to rock the child, and the baby boy laughed in response, holding out his tiny hands in joy as his mother spoke._

_"You are Alejandro," she said in English then. "That shall be your name."_

_Alejandro. I suddenly wondered why Miss Emily would give her son a name from the Spanish, the very country that was mostly responsible for causing her all this grief. However, I kept my words to myself, for the child was hers, and his father was Spain as much as I wished it but. After all that happened today, I do not wish to cause Miss Emily any more pain._

_We thought that it was finally over too._

_However, I believe you are able to tell what this is going to be about._

_Nothing happened at first, in fact like Mr Etu, Mr Sol, and Miss Neoma had been, Mr Alejandro had been a very active and healthy baby. He was eating fine, he was moving on his own fine, and he was a very vocal child. He kept Miss Emily busy, and even the other servants when Miss Emily was not around, but we did not mind. We were happy that Mr Alejandro was going to be fine._

_But then...then he got sick._

_I saw it immediately before it even took hold. Miss Emily was not around at the time, but I immediately felt afraid. How was I going to tell her that her son was starting to grow sick, that something might be wrong with him?_

_I didn't want to put her through any more pain than she has, so I immediately called the doctor to examine him._

_Strangely, he did not find anything out of place with the child. In fact, as soon as I brought the doctor in, Mr Alejandro returned to acting like his normal self. He smiled brightly at the doctor, clapping his hands together, giggling, and even bouncing on the bed. I remember the doctor giving me a confused yet offended look, as if I may have tricked him._

_He examined Mr Alejandro either way to my relief, and while that happened, I wondered if what I saw was a trick. I truly wanted to believe that it was a trick, that my paranoia and lack of sleep was affecting my mind, but even as I thought this, the fear would not vanquish. It choked me, crushed my heart, and made it hard for me to breathe._

_My mind kept telling me that something was wrong with this child, that something was wrong with the Ajacan mission, and was screaming at me to do _something_._

_But I did nothing. I chose not to believe it._

_Oh how I wished I had._

_The doctor left that day after finding nothing wrong with Mr Alejandro, and the relief I felt did not vanquish my fear. When he left, I remember looking back at the child, still finding him to be the same active child I would care for at times, the child who suddenly looked tired and ill nowhere to be seen._

_I began to wish that it was all an illusion. It was in my mind. It had to be._

_Such a fool I was._

_The next time that Mr Alejandro got sick, Miss Emily was present. In fact, she had been preparing to feed him that day, taking him to her room so no one would have to stare at her breastfeeding the child. Miss Emily had noticed that her son had been less active that day, looking tired and always sleeping, but thought nothing of it at first. Mr Alejandro was a baby after all, and babies were known to require sleep longer than us older people._

_I could not help but feel concern however. Mr Alejandro was always an active child, and getting him to sleep was always a miracle. I wanted to voice these concerns to Miss Emily, but my voice would not seem to work. Even now, I cannot determine what caused it. Was it fear, worry, sorrow? I cannot decide._

_Miss Emily allowed me inside her room as she prepared to breastfeed Mr Alejandro, and Mr Alejandro immediately latched on, sucking the milk into his mouth. All the while, Miss Emily watched her son, smiling and loving, and my fears almost disappeared as I watched._

_But then Mr Alejandro suddenly pulled away from his mother's breast, and threw up all the milk he had swallowed._

_Miss Emily and I had gasped, watching as the milk poured onto Miss Emily's dress and the floor. However, neither of us paid attention to the potential damage to Miss Emily's dress, and I was immediately by her side, watching as Mr Alejandro began to scream out in what I can only describe as pain._

_Miss Emily turned to me in an instant. "Get the doctor!" she practically screamed, her eyes shining with familiar tears. "Hurry!"_

_I was out of that room faster than I thought possible, ordering for the doctor to arrive as quickly as he could. While another servant ran to get him, I rushed back to Miss Emily, watching with tears in my own eyes as Mr Alejandro continued to scream in pain, and Miss Emily desperately tried to keep herself composed and calm her distressed child._

_"Hush my son," she was whispering. "Dry your eyes. The doctor is on his way, you are going to be just fine."_

_A lonely tear managed to escape past her control, and she looked up at me with pleading, broken eyes. I instantly recognized the message she had been trying to give me._

_She didn't want to lose another child. Not again. Not like this._

_I wanted to ease her and Mr Alejandro's suffering, there was nothing I wanted more, but I could do nothing._

_That was all I ever done. What any of us could do._

_Nothing!_

_I could do nothing as Miss Emily's infant son wailed in agony, as he seemed to be getting worse by the hour, wondering what was taking the doctor so long. I could do nothing as Miss Emily tried in vain to ease his suffering, tried to help get some food into him, only for him to throw it back up again._

_I could do nothing!_

_I never hated myself more than I did then._

_I was nothing but a useless woman._

_I was not fit to be Miss Emily's head-maid._

_I was not fit to be here._

_But then the inevitable happened, and no one could do anything as it happened._

_Mr Alejandro died._

_He was gone before the doctor arrived._

_Through a fury of tears, I screamed at him, grabbing him by the shirt and throwing him against a wall. I do not care how you see this, and I do not care if you think a woman should not do this. A child had just died, and this useless doctor came too late! I screamed so many hurtful questions at him; why was he late, what was considered more important than a child's health, and so many others I cannot remember. The doctor's silence infuriated me, and I was on the verge of hitting him until I had to be violently pulled away._

_All the while, Miss Emily was screaming in the background, clutching the body of her dead son, sounding so alike an animal in pain._

_It was a horrible sound that I cannot describe, or rather I do not wish to describe._

_Then, all I could think of was why._

_Why did this happen again?_

_Why did Miss Emily and her children had to suffer so much?_

_How long did they have to suffer until they were satisfied?_

_All I could do at that moment was collapse to my knees, joining Miss Emily in her tears, clutching the ground, not caring that the wood dug into my hands._

_I was useless._

_I could not do what Ms. Faustus wanted me to do._

_I failed her. I failed Miss Emily, and I failed Miss Caroline, Miss Elara, and Mr Alejandro._

_I failed everyone._

_..._

_..._

_Forgive me._

_I could not stop myself from writing that. This was a painful moment for us all, for Miss Emily._

_Miss Emily had attempted to kill herself again after that by drowning herself in the nearest river, though thankfully she was found before she could proceed with it. After that, we had to keep a close eye on her, knowing that she was unstable and could not be left alone for a moment._

_People could kill themselves in many ways after all._

_However, that is not what I am here to warn you about._

_You see, Miss Emily spent weeks in her room, with us being forced to force feed her, dress her, and bathe her because she was lost in her mind. Every time, none would speak else we wished to incite some violent reaction from our mistress._

_But then, one day, she walked out of her room, looking calm as if no tragedy had befallen her, and this frightened us. However, I immediately questioned Miss Emily to see if she was alright, and her answer baffled me._

_She was...confused, having no knowledge of what I was saying. When I mentioned what had happened, she shook her head._

_"What are you talking about Anna?" she had asked. "Are you alright?"_

_I could not speak._

_What was Miss Emily saying?_

_Did she...did she truly forget her children?_

_That frightened me, more than anything._

_We never spoke about that again, not even as I myself began to fall ill. It just started with a fever, but then I got worse, so much so that I had a hard time staying awake. In fact, the only reason I'm able to write this is because of the rare instances when I do have strength. I have been bedridden now, and someone is bound to take my place soon._

_I know I am going to die, but strangely, I am not scared._

_I may hate death, but I don't fear it._

_I just regret that I failed Miss Emily and her family, and I pray that she will forgive me for those failures. Perhaps I can have a second chance in the next life._

_It is such a nice thought._

_Now, I beg of you, when you find this diary, do what I failed to do, and be a better caregiver for Miss Emily in my stead. I failed to do so, and this is a burden that I will have to pass down onto you, and I fear that more tragedy will await Miss Emily._

_I pray that you will forgive me. However, I will not hold it against you if you cannot. I will accept your ire. It is the least I deserve._

_With all my love,_

_Anna._

**\--Diary of Jane Faustus, written by Anna White, 1576.**

Anna White, age 38, has succumbed to typhoid fever on August 3, 1576, just two days after finishing this entry.


	7. Entry #7

_I am not sure if what I am doing is the right thing._

_As you may have heard, Miss Anna White had passed away a year before I became the head butler of Miss Emily Jones, the adopted ward of Mr Arthur Kirkland, the personification of Britain. It had been an honor to be hired to care for Mr Arthur's ward, a young child who, to my surprise, was in reality a female. Nonetheless, I agreed to keep silent about it, but I was baffled that Mr Arthur did not know this small fact._

_Perhaps it was better that he did not._

_Now that I am Miss Emily's head butler, however, I fear that you were right Miss Anna; the tragedies that befell Miss Emily are far from over._

_I found this diary lying in my new room when I first became the head butler, and upon reading what I saw, I was hesitant to comply with the demands. Although I may not have been here as long as Miss Anna had, I felt her insecurities, her pain, and the grief she felt with Miss Emily as she watched our mistress' children die._

_I could not believe that all this happened to my young mistress. When I first met her, she never mentioned any children, in fact no other servant would speak of it, and this diary I am writing in now has told me otherwise._

_I felt it impossible and hard to believe; How could a mother forget her own children? It was something that, I am ashamed to admit, horrified and disgusted me, for I felt that a mother should never forget her children, no matter how painful it is._

_It was a hypocritical thought, and I have realized that years later as I write this._

_Either way, the day this happened, it had been a little over ten years after the unfortunate and tragic deaths of Miss Caroline, Miss Elara, and Mr Alejandro, and we had moved to a house near the south coast. During this time, I had learned that Queen Elizabeth had signed an agreement to start a colony in this land, and the British were now on their way to get started. Of course, we made sure to stay far away from it, as we did not want anyone to get suspicious that a house was already near the bay where the colony was to be built._

_The colony was to be named Roanoke, an interesting name._

_It was also that year when Miss Emily became pregnant._

_It came as a shock to us all as it had been for myself. Around this time, I was still trying to understand the information that the late Ms Faustus and Miss Anna had given me in this diary about nation pregnancies, and this is a rather embarrassing admission, but I was still at a loss about this._

_Miss Emily, when she had been told of her condition, was both in shock and ecstatic, very different from what I have heard after she lost many children. The other servants even looked afraid, though they tried their best to hide it from Miss Emily, who perceived that they were only worried that Mr Arthur would find out._

_Perhaps that was part of their concern, but only a portion._

_The colony continued to grow, and so did the child, but Miss Emily did not show. Again, I had not seen her pregnancies before, so I had become suspicious and wondered if she truly was with child. However, I did not question her about this, and continued on with my duties while Miss Emily with hers._

_And then, one late morning in 1585, she gave birth to a daughter._

_I was in Miss Emily's room that day, preparing to serve her her afternoon tea, when suddenly she went unconscious, slumping in her chair like one of those porcelain dolls I had seen back in Britain. I had immediately rushed towards her to assist her, only to back away when I noticed that her womb was glowing blue. I stared in shock, unable to believe what I was seeing, and then the light exploded, blinding me for a few short seconds._

_Once I regained my vision, I saw the silhouette of a slim female with long and messy hair, a dress, and a cloak that seemed to drag on the floor. I could not see her face or anything noteworthy about her appearance, and just as I had been about to call to her, the light faded, and in Miss Emily's arms was a baby girl, sleeping peacefully._

_She was wrapped in a bundle that was the color of a midnight sky, while her skin resembled the bright sand of the nearby beaches. Her hair was messy, but was the color of the sun, and when she opened her eyes, they were the same color as Miss Emily's: a blue that resembled a cloudless sky._

_The child shifted some, waking her mother at last. Miss Emily at first looked around the room, exhausted and confused, until she looked down at her daughter and flinched, staring at her in astonishment. This caused the child to flinch and whimper, tears prickling the corners of her bright eyes._

_Miss Emily was quick to act, gently rocking her daughter and calming her. She then gently wiped away her tears, a patient and motherly smile gracing her lips._

_"Hello my little flower," she said softly. "I am your mother."_

_The infant stared up at Miss Emily, confused at first, then as if understanding her words, smiled brightly and clapped her small hands together, giggling._

_Miss Emily allowed her to babble for a few minutes before gently silencing her._

_"I shall name you...Lily. Lily Jones/Kirkland. What do you think my little flower?" she asked._

_The newly named Miss Lily only giggled in reply._

_All the while, I stood there, trying to process what she had just said. Kirkland, the surname of Mr Arthur. But it could not be, could it?_

_I have learned through the diary that Mr Antonio, the personification of Spain, and Mr Francis, the personification of France, had fathered America's lost children, and now that a new colony was in construction, there was no denying it, but I had difficulty believing that Mr Arthur would impregnate his own charge._

_It was foolish of me, that I am aware, but I was young and sadly very foolish at that time._

_The other servants, when they caught word of Miss Lily's birth, were both scared and joyous. Although they were happy for Miss Emily, I was able to tell that they were afraid that Miss Lily would meet the same fate as her older half-siblings, especially later on as a few have. I could not help but share that fear despite not being familiar with this, and I found myself keeping a close eye on Miss Lily's health whenever Miss Emily was not around._

_Miss Emily had been visiting Roanoke as well, taking Miss Lily and a few of us with her. Although she did not wish to attract attention, it was essential that a male and at least one of her servants were there with her, for she was still a young woman with a child, and may be taken advantage of if she was not careful._

_We had also learned that the first English child had been born and baptized in Roanoke, the daughter of a bricklayer named Ananias Dare and his wife, Eleanor White, and thus making her the granddaughter of the colonist governor, John White. I soon learned that she was named Virginia. Of course, I have never met the child, but Miss Emily had when she was visiting with Miss Lily._

_"She is a beautiful child," Miss Emily had said once we returned to the house. "I have no doubt that she will grow up to be a lovely young woman."_

_I had smiled and nodded. "I am glad to hear so Miss Emily. I am sure Mrs. Dare was very pleased to hear such words."_

_"She was," said Miss Emily. "She even commented on Lily's beauty, saying the same words as I have to Virginia."_

_"Mrs. Dare is correct Miss Emily."_

_Miss Emily had laughed endearingly at my words. "I am glad you think so John. Now, let's return home shall we? The sun is about to set."_

_Even now, I am smiling at that memory. Miss Lily was such a happy child, very loving, and intelligent, just like her mother. She even showed promise of becoming just as beautiful as we believed she would be as the Roanoke colony continued to prosper, making her healthy and energetic._

_It was such a shame that Mr Arthur did not know that he had a daughter with his ward, but we did not wish for him to know for Miss Emily's safety as well as Miss Lily's._

_However, I am ashamed to admit that this happiness did not last._

_While Governor White was on his way back to England, Miss Emily had been called on urgent attendance by Mr Arthur, and that meant we had to leave Miss Lily in the care of various maids while we were away. Again, we did not wish Mr Arthur to find out of Miss Emily's secrets, and God knows what would happen to her and her daughter if they were found out. Even now, I shudder at the thought of Mr Arthur's reaction._

_Despite caring for his ward, I did not trust Mr Arthur. From the day I first met him, I immediately understood that he was a man who had personal goals, and he would do anything to achieve them, even at the expense of his own family and other countries. I learned through Miss Emily that he treated his brothers poorly, which seemed to resemble Cain and Abel to me only worse, and only cared about Miss Emily because she would create a profit for him._

_If he truly cared for Miss Emily, he would not have left her alone so much, nor would he have thought such degrading things._

_I felt ashamed of being from that empire more than once, and even now I still curse it._

_The meeting with Mr Arthur was...far from pleasant I must say. I was easily able to detect the indifference the man had for his charge, and it was disgusting. More than once, I felt a tinge of pride that I knew more about Miss Emily than he ever could, while Miss Emily was relieved that he did not know the truth. I knew she cared about him to an extent, so I never said anything, but I believe she knew what I felt._

_Fortunately, she never called me out about it._

_But then we returned to Roanoke._

_Miss Emily had been feeling ill when we were returning home, and there was this fear to her posture that troubled even me. She kept urging the coach driver to get back to Roanoke faster, that something was wrong, and even when the driver went as fast as he could, the fear did not disappear from Miss Emily, and she continued to insist we go faster._

_It took everything I had to get her to settle down, but when we returned to Roanoke, all that greeted us was a silent town, void of any people or animals._

_We returned to the house first, and I was disturbed by how quiet it was, how empty it was. Of course, we at first assumed that the servants had gone to town for shopping, but that did not explain why the house was like this. In fact, the house appeared like it had been neglected for months, as the grass had grown longer, the flowerbeds looked overgrown, and there was dust collecting inside._

_Miss Emily took off running before any of us could stop her._

_She looked through the entire house, flipping chairs, tables, and even the beds in her frantic search. We followed her as best we could, watching as her breathing became labored and strained, and tears began to stream down her cheeks as her worst fear came true._

_I thought at that moment that my very soul was being sucked out of my body._

_Then Miss Emily ran out of the house and looked through the gardens, her sobs turning into heart-wrenching screams of agony as she ripped everything to pieces in her search._

_"Lily!" she screamed, running towards the town when she found nothing. "Lily, where are you?!"_

_We immediately ran after her towards the town, which was just as empty as the house had been._

_"Lily!" Miss Emily was calling out brokenly. "Lily, this is not funny, where are you?!"_

_She searched through every house, every bush, and every area she came across, but every time she got no response and came back empty-handed. Her face was caked with tears, her skin was covered in dust and sand, her dress was ripped in various places and covered in dust, and her hands had various bleeding cuts on them, but Miss Emily showed no care to either of these things._

_I could do nothing as she desperately searched for her daughter, but I knew then that it was hopeless, and I felt guilt and shame creep into my soul, feelings that continue to haunt me to this day. Miss Lily was gone, the colonists were gone, and so were the servants. I checked the town and the houses, and nowhere did I see any hints of forced departure or struggles. However, I did spot one thing._

_There had been a word carved into the fence-post that surrounded Roanoke, and it was the word "Croatoan"._

_It was a word I did not understand, and there was no cross anywhere._

_All the while, Miss Emily continued to search for her lost child, until, finally, she collapsed from exhaustion and had to be carried back home._

_This was all my fault._

_I left Miss Lily alone, and now she's gone, leaving Miss Emily with the heartbreak of losing another child. Now I understand how Ms Faustus and Miss Anna felt, and it was a horrible feeling._

_We never found Miss Lily or the colonists, and eventually, the colony of Roanoke was wiped off the maps._

_Sadly, the grief of Miss Emily was so great that, like Miss Anna had stated, she forgot that Miss Lily even existed. However, we still had a funeral for her, with a few servants drawing pictures of what she may have looked like as a young woman and even writing poems about her. However, we showed neither of these to Miss Emily._

_We did not wish to bring back up the decades of grief._

_And until then, I realized how foolish I had been, and I still have it, even as an old man._

_I hope you can forgive me Miss Emily for failing you, and I hope that you forgive me Miss Lily for abandoning you when you needed me._

_I have failed as a butler, and it's a shame that I will carry with me to my grave. A very fitting end I must say._

_I'm sorry._

_John._

**\--Diary of Jane Faustus, written by John Hawkins, 1595**

John Hawkins retired in 1596 before passing away from kidney failure shortly after.


	8. Entry #8

_I thought I was prepared for this, but then I found out that I was not. When I found and read the entries of this diary after becoming the next head-maid of Miss Emily Frederica Jones, I never thought what would truly await me as I achieved this title._

_Before I became the head-maid, I had heard rumors that Miss Emily had several children, but not once did I see any children running amok. Later I heard that all of them had perished, either from disease or because no one knew what happened to them, but the end result was always the same. They would die, and leave Miss Emily hating herself. In fact, I had also heard that she had attempted to end her life several times._

_I could not hold it against Miss Emily. Losing a child was a horrible thing, but losing several? That is something I do not wish to experience, but I believe that Miss Emily is a strong woman, even if she seems to have forgotten her lost children._

_And when I became the head-maid and found this diary, I realized that the rumors I had been hearing were true._

_And now that responsibility had fallen onto me._

_Now, here I am, writing to you about the final two times that Miss Emily had children who perished, until the last child's twin sister lived. She was a very beautiful child, and truly was her mother's daughter, but that is not what I am going to be taking to you about in this entry._

_It had been less than ten years since Mr. Hawkins, the head butler before me, passed away, and I had taken up the position to be the head-maid in 1597 after I completed my training. During those last few years, it had been a pleasure serving Miss Emily, who was nothing like many of the rich families I had seen back in England. However, I was surprised when I found out that she was actually a woman, disguising herself as a boy to protect herself from her caretaker and the other male countries._

_Like all those who work here and those who worked before me, I agreed to keep the secret, knowing what Mr Arthur might do if he realized that his ward was really a woman. It did not take a genius to realize that._

_And it frightened me._

_Thankfully, he left us alone for long periods of time, only visiting when he felt he needed to. I always hated those times, for it was proof that Mr Arthur did not really care for Miss Emily, and if he did he would have treated her kinder and would not be gone for so long. I understand how you feel about him now Mr. Hawkins, especially after what happened to poor Miss Lily._

_It gave me another reason to hate Mr Arthur, knowing that he was Miss Lily's father, and he was not here to comfort Miss Emily during those difficult times._

_But then the French attempted to colonize once more in 1604, on an island near the landmass next to Canada. I learned through Miss Emily that Canada was her brother, someone she had not seen since they had been separated decades ago after the disappearance of their mother._

_Despite the woman being an Indian, I wanted to know the woman who gave birth to such a lovely young woman, and what life before European colonization was like._

_It was a pity that many other Europeans could not look past their own pride._

_Anyway, during the time that the French arrived to settle, Miss Emily had become pregnant once again._

_I was truly happy for her despite the shock and concern I felt, especially after I looked through the entries of this diary. Suddenly I wondered if this new child would make it, for Miss Lily had been a healthy baby, but that did not prevent her disappearance and presumed death, nor did it excuse the deaths of Mr Etu and Mr Sol, who at first appeared healthy, only to die shortly after they were born._

_However, I held on to the hope that this new child would live, despite the clear facts._

_I did not want to tell Miss Emily out of fear for her already fragile state, but I had been up to where the French colonizers were building their colony during the winter, and it had been a brutal one. Crops were hard to come by, it had been hard to obtain fish, and it had been difficult trying to navigate. Soon this forced my group to return to the warmer side of the country, which I had never in my life been so eager to return to._

_And now winter was coming to that section of the country, and never had I felt so afraid._

_I had to tell Miss Emily, no matter how painful it was. I could try to protect her, to spare her from the thought that her child may not live, but that would be a cruel thing of me to do, and I refused to be cruel._

_So one day, while I was serving Miss Emily her afternoon tea, I told her my concerns._

_She stared at me as I spoke, not speaking a word and allowing me to finish, but once I was finished talking, the silence that carried on seemed to crush me, drawing any precious air from my body and crushing my very soul. It was difficult to breathe in that air, and I had to repress the urge to run out of that room to desperately get air._

_All the while, Miss Emily stared at me, her eyes as dull as a porcelain doll, and I even thought I saw a tinge of red around her pupils. It was a horrible sight._

_Then, in a low voice, she spoke._

_"Get out."_

_The air felt no less suffocating, but I managed to speak anyways._

_"My lady--"_

_"I said get out!" Miss Emily all but spat at me, and I believe she would have thrown her teacup at me if I did not do as commanded. I gladly left that room, closing the door behind me, and taking as many deep breaths as I could before I left to get started on my chores early._

_Although I did say that keeping my feelings about this to myself was cruel, I will not lie when I say that speaking these concerns to Miss Emily while she was pregnant was a cruel thing to do as well. However, I refused to take back my words, for while I did feel guilty that Miss Emily was upset over the fact that her child may not live, she needed to know._

_I did not wish to keep that from her._

_For the next several months, I continued with my duties and tended to Miss Emily, but we did not speak to each other much. In fact, we made sure to avoid it else we would want to speak about her pregnancy and the fate of the child, which I know will end in an argument, and an argument was the last thing I needed, what Miss Emily needed._

_But then the birth of the child arrived._

_It had been late at night, and I had finished with my work for the day and was in the midst of preparing to retire for the night, now dressed in my nightclothes and taking time to read this diary before I would go to sleep. Not even an hour passed when I blew out the candle and prepared to retire when I heard a cry, startling me into action._

_It was Miss Emily._

_I rushed to her room as quickly as I could, and as my room was nearest hers, I got there first, finding Miss Emily crying into the night while clutching a lifeless bundle in her arms, the wind outside blowing the snow violently._

_Although I feared this would happen, that did not stop the knife-like pain that went through my chest._

_It happened again, and now I was witnessing it._

_Cautiously, I had approached Miss Emily, watching as she looked up at me, her beautiful sapphire eyes staring into my soul._

_"You were right," she whimpered. "You were right..."_

_Without any hesitation, I got into the bed with her, wrapping my arms around her shoulders and allowing her to cry into my shoulder. As she cried, I looked down at the lifeless baby girl, feeling tears of my own come to my eyes._

_Had she been breathing, she would have been beautiful. She had wavy blonde hair, pale skin, and lifeless blue eyes. I even thought I saw the beginnings of eyelashes, but I cannot remember._

_As Miss Emily cried, I spoke._

_"What is her name?"_

_She ceased crying, likely confused at my question, but I patiently repeated myself._

_"Does she have a name?"_

_I made sure to smile lovingly, acting as if the child were not dead, but rather sleeping. Miss Emily looked up at me in surprise before she sobbed once more._

_"Ada," she sobbed. "Her name is Ada."_

_I smiled, feeling tears stream down my cheeks. "A beautiful name. It's perfect."_

_And I meant every word._

_I just wished I had been wrong, that Miss Emily would be looking at me with a triumphant look that would clarify that I was wrong, Miss Ada would live, and she made sure of it. I did not feel any pride that I was right, especially after the colonists of St. Croix Island were forced to abandon the colony thanks to disease, food shortages, and a harsh winter._

_And even now, I do not feel proud that I was right._

**\--Diary of Jane Faustus, written by Mary Brown, 1620.**


	9. Entry #9

_Miss Emily became pregnant immediately after Miss Ada's passing._

_Of course, it had been three human years since Miss Ada died, and once more Miss Emily had forgotten about any existence of having children. However, with this new pregnancy, I immediately feared the worst._

_The English were attempting to colonize once more, this time with King James I giving the order. Multiple ships were heading to the south coast, with some heading up further north and the rest southwest where we were. I had been tending to my duties one day when Miss Emily collapsed in front of me._

_I immediately was frightened and called in the doctor, who immediately began to work on her while she was still unconscious._

_When he was done with her, he said those few words that I never wished to hear again._

_She was with child once more._

_Miss Emily was horrified when she heard the news upon regaining herself, but nowhere was there the fear that she would lose another child. Rather, there was only the fear of her true gender being discovered now that she was pregnant._

_It was something that I had seen and heard happen before, and I cursed God for allowing this to happen again._

_But I chose to curse the stupidity of the British._

_They chose to create a colony near the very location where the French failed, and I already knew that was like they were actually praying for misfortune to befall them. And the fact that they were also attempting to colonize in a different part of the country as well told me the unthinkable._

_Miss Emily was pregnant with another set of twins._

_I wished to bring up these concerns to Miss Emily, but something stopped me. Even now, I can't decide what it is, but it stopped me from voicing these concerns. It was like something was telling me that everything will be alright, that this time will be different than the previous times._

_Somehow, I wanted to believe it, but that did not stop my fear._

_During the many months as both colonies were being developed, I believe that, subconsciously, Miss Emily was afraid that she would lose her children after they were born just as she had with Mr Etu and Mr Sol, and I truly felt for her. However, I kept my words in, knowing that it will not be of any help._

_So all I could do was wait and be supportive to Miss Emily, while I feared the worst to happen._

_Finally, it was months later when she gave birth once more._

_I was not around her at this time, as I was getting ready to start the day, but I had been in haste, for I felt that something was wrong. Eventually, I could not wait any longer and rushed to Miss Emily's room, where I saw her holding a baby girl with the silkiest blonde hair I have ever seen, beautiful forest green eyes, and pale skin._

_Miss Emily was smiling lovingly at the child, cooing at her and even singing a lullaby to her. I almost smiled at the sight had I not seen what was by her bedside._

_It was another child, a boy, and he was not moving._

_I stared, unable to believe what I was seeing. Miss Emily did not seem to see the child, for he was far from her sight, but I recognized that the child had the same silky blonde hair as his sister, and I imagined that he had the same green eyes as she. I felt tears burn my eyes as the realization set in._

_The colony of Popham had failed after all._

_"Mary?" Miss Emily called, her face filled with concern. "Are you alright? Do you need me to call the doctor?"_

_I bit my lip hard to keep any sobs from escaping me as I answered. "N-No, I'm fine Miss Emily, but...are you okay?"_

_Miss Emily looked confused. "Whatever do you mean?"_

_I found myself unable to say what I wanted to say. "Are you alright now that you have had the child?"_

_Miss Emily's eyes widened. "Oh yes, I'm alright, but..."_

_I blinked at her, seeing as a sad expression came to her face._

_"I thought I dreamed there was another child with Evelyn," she said sadly. "He was so handsome, and I thought I imagined him being the most beautiful man I have ever known. I even named him Lucian. But...when I woke up, he was not there. It seems I was just being paranoid after all."_

_My eyes widened, and the tears almost burst out of my eyes like a rapid river. "I...see..."_

_I remember looking back to the boy, finding that he had already faded at this point. When I saw that, I finally allowed the tears to spill over, and I sobbed._

_"Mary?" Miss Emily called, alarmed. "What is the matter?"_

_"N-No, nothing is wrong Miss," I said shakily, forcing a smile to my lips. "I'm just...so happy."_

_The baby girl, Evelyn, began to cry loudly, and Miss Emily looked down at her in alarm. I instantly recognized the reasons of her distress, and it only made me cry harder. She knew her younger twin brother was dead, she knew he existed._

_Why did this have to happen?_

_It took a long time for Miss Emily to calm her distressed daughter, and she could not understand the reasons behind that distress, but I doubt she ever will. She did not need to know that she lost another child before she could even hold him, before she could even bond with him, and that was something I could not bring myself to say to my mistress._

_She already lost too much. I can't add this new burden to her._

_Months went by, and Miss Evelyn almost died a few times. Miss Emily was so distressed, refusing to leave her daughter's side for anything, and would hold her, sleep with her, and even feed her as best she could. Jamestown almost failed due to the environment, but to my relief and surprise, they managed to save themselves and Jamestown became successful._

_I will never forget the relief on Miss Emily's face as Miss Evelyn got well. She cried for hours, holding her daughter in joy and relief, while Miss Evelyn was looking at her mother with concern._

_She was a smart child, even as an infant._

_But I still felt sorrowful that her twin brother wasn't there with her, that Miss Emily had no other child to raise. Though I suppose this would have to do._

_I was also around for a few more decades, and I watched as Miss Emily gave birth to a boy named Ryker and another boy named Felix._

_I was thankful that Miss Emily stopped losing anymore children after that, despite a few of them getting gravely sick a few times. Suddenly I wish that all the other head maids and the butler who served Miss Emily before me could see this, that now her children were growing up, creating the family that Miss Emily was so violently ripped from so many times._

_I felt honored that I was there to see it._

_I must stop writing for now, but I will write another time._

**\--Diary of Jane Faustus, written by Mary Brown, 1635**


	10. Entry #10

_I barely have any strength left to write, and I know my time is coming._

_I am only able to write thanks to a support that was given to me, but even then I can feel my strength leaving me. Therefore, I will make this short._

_I am thankful, and I am happy that I can die without much regret. Of course, I regret that I was not able to stop the deaths of two of Miss Emily's children, but I have watched as Miss Emily gave birth to three healthy children who continue to grow stronger day by day, and I know that she is pregnant once more._

_"If it's a girl," she said, "I will name her after you."_

_I could not help but laugh, but I was flattered either way._

_Mary was a common name, but Miss Emily wanted to honor me, a mere maid, and I cannot help but feel important._

_However, I have one more regret._

_Now that new colonies were being built and are growing stronger, I fear of what will happen to Miss Emily in the future. She was still vulnerable and unsafe from the other countries, especially her own caretaker, who I fear will treat her cruelly as the years go by. She will not only have to protect herself, but also her children, who are becoming aware of what's happening around them._

_Sometimes I hate that I am mortal, but I hate that Miss Emily and her children will not die unless their country ceases to exist._

_I cannot think of a worse fate._

_My time has come now, and I cannot stay with Miss Emily forever. That's why I ask whoever finds this diary to continue looking after Miss Emily and her children in our stead, to give her the support she will need for the years to come. That is all I ask of you._

_Miss Emily, continue to be strong. I know it will be hard, but do your best. Watch your children grow up into wonderful people, and make sure you raise them well. They need their mother, and they will come to you for protection during hard times. Of course, I know there will be times when you will not be able to protect them, and I know those times will be hard, but be there for your children, and that will be enough for them._

_I'm sorry that I cannot be there for you every step of the way, and you will have to continue watching your human friends die from old age while you stay the way you are, but just remember, there are people who care about you, and you will have your children to keep you company when you need it._

_I am growing tired now, and I know I will not be able to write anymore after this, so allow me to finish with this._

_Thank you for having me in your life Miss Emily, and I pray that you will find the happiness you deserve in this life._

_With all my love,_

_Mary_

**\--Diary of Jane Faustus, written by Mary Brown, 1635**

Mary Brown passed away from old age on April 2, 1635. This diary has been found and read, but has never been used again. However, there is one final message written in the corner of the last page, written by an elegant but ancient hand.

_They are alright, I will take care of them now my dear._

_\--Gaia_

_The end_


	11. Author's Note

**Thank you everyone for reading! I know this was a very tough read, and trust me it was hard to write this, but I really felt I needed to get this out there.**

**When I learned about the Failed Colonies, I wanted them to be remembered instead of forgotten, and there weren't a lot of information about some of them, while Roanoke is famous for its mystery of the disappearance of the colonists. Due to her grief, America refuses to talk about the Failed Colonies and had rewritten her memories of ever having them in order to cope with her grief, which was one reason I wanted to explain why the Failed Colonies are not remembered as well as Jamestown or even Roanoke to an extent.**

**Again, I thank you guys for reading these diary entries of the truth of the Failed Colonies, and please, cherish your family members and don't take them for granted. You never know when the last moment you have with them will be your last with them. Please start the new year thinking of your loved ones and those who have lost people they loved too early.**

**Happy New Year to you all, and again, thank you for reading!**

**~~~37054ljH**


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